By Lucas Newhall
Do you ever ride home on your thin-framed, one speed bicycle and think to yourself, “Damn it, I forgot to scoff at my friend’s choice of music today!” In order to help you maintain proper hipster homeostasis, we have prepared a comprehensive daily checklist. So put on your neck scarf, pull up your skinny jeans and fasten your airplane-buckle belt, and get ready to have a pretentious day!
- Spend five to fifteen minutes waxing and grooming your handlebar mustache and/or gigantic 1869 chops.
- Place beanie literally centimeters (inches are so mainstream) from falling off the back of your head.
- Put on additional ironic, semi-witty stickers upon your (preferably) fixed-gear bicycle.
- Procure extra-thick, square-rimmed glasses. (Note: bad eyesight is no longer a prerequisite for wearing glasses or acting smarter than people.)
- Listen to at least one band that has never been heard of. Note their obscure use of the mandolin and/or tambourine.
- Brag about aforementioned and newly obtained musical information to at least one person in your local fair-trade coffee house over a soy latte.
- Decide on a new (and original) “ironic” or unexpected tattoo, preferably featuring some aspect of your rebellious lifestyle.
- Search nearby thrift stores for a long sleeve flannel shirt. Now button it all the way and roll up the sleeves. (Note: thrift stores are especially ironic if one has access to a large trust fund.)
- Spend a few minutes preaching to a total stranger about the benefits of growing all of your food in an organic “urban garden.” (Note: a small planter box is all that is needed for maximum “street cred.”)
- Decide that you have already seen a better and more original version of this checklist.
- Dispose of checklist in disgust.
- Congratulate yourself on having such a hard and productive day by purchasing an 18-pack of ironically affordable Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and scoffing at passersby near your favorite park.
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