Stan the Love Man

By Stan the Love Man

Illustration by Anton Konevski
Illustration Credit: Anton Konevski

Dear Stan, What are your suggestions on how to make platonic relationships work? I have a few suggestions on how to make a platonic relationship work.

First, don’t see your platonic relationship as a friendship or even as a relationship—you heard me correctly—but see your platonic friend as a family member. Now, the reason why I said see your friend as family, is because friends, especially if both friends are attractive, will develop feelings for one another—it’s only a matter of time. It may not happen today or even three years from now, but the longer you keep in contact with that person, something eventually will develop in your mind. For example, let’s say you have a girlfriend and she isn’t fulfilling your emotional needs, and then one day you’re with your “platonic” friend, alone and sobbing, or talking to your friend about your girlfriend not being there for you in times of need. You and your friend are going to talk back and forth about this situation, then get close to one another, then cuddle, then one thing will lead to another, and—well, you get the picture. Like I said, it’s only a matter of time. Now if you see your platonic friend as a family member, like a sister or girl cousin, it won’t go there unless you’re both sickos. Both of you will just maintain that family bond, being there for one another without developing emotions that friends or attracted people develop. Now, if you’re referring to a perfectly platonic relationship as never fighting, probably not; friends, family, lovers, they all will fight at least once in their lifetimes, whether it be a small or huge fight. There’s nothing wrong with that—it’s just part of being human.

Dear Mr. Love Man, I am madly in love with one of my BCC teachers, and I think he likes me too. How should I approach this situation?

Hello young lady, might I say, go on with yo bad self. You can approach this situation with what I call the “Down Key Method.” You can have feelings for your teacher, and vice versa, a teacher can have feelings for you, and you can get away with it. You’re not in high school and you’re not underage—you’re practically an adult—so, everything is legal and moral. You’re at the age of exploration, out to try new things, to see what fits you. Here’s how you should approach this situation: First, check to see if he’s in a relationship—you never want to be a home wrecker. One way to ask this question without directly asking this question, is to say something like, “Can I ask you something?” Then he’ll respond, “Sure,” and you say, “What made you decide to be a teacher?” Then he’ll give a story, and you can respond, “Wow, how do your family, friends, and partner feel about the career you chose?” Then he’ll answer regarding his family, friends, and girlfriend. If he doesn’t have a girlfriend, then you can move on to Part 2 of the “Down Key Method.” Next, try to schedule an appointment with your teacher, but let it be strictly about the class and nothing else. You and your teacher will exchange contact information in order to schedule an appointment to discuss the problems you’re facing in the class. Once you two are alone, pick up the signs that indicate that he likes you, such as the way he looks at you, him adjusting his clothing when conversing with you, him laughing as the both of you converse—just small indicators to show he’s interested in you. (Note: It’s easier for a woman to know that a man likes her.) If his actions fall under these conditions then it’s pretty obvious he likes you. Move on to Part 3 of the Down Key Method.

Last, but not least, NEVER, I mean NEVER, tell anyone about this—unless it gets very serious, such as wedding bells in the air. You wanna keep this under wraps for yourself and for your teacher. Whatever happens between you and him; it’s nobody’s business except your own and his own. Part 3 may be the most important of this method— confidentiality—nobody likes a blabber mouth. If I was you, I would approach this situation exactly how I said it.

Dear Love Man, I was gifted a blind double date with two friends whom I am well acquainted with, and a woman whom I can now not remove from my thoughts. At first the evening seemed to be going swimmingly. I was speaking of a chapter in Ulysses, the 70-page chapter known as the “Ithaca episode,” the penultimate section of that otherwise over revered modernist classic, when my evening took a horrible turn. I asked my date what she thought of the “catechism” chapter. It’s the one that is written entirely in question-and-answer form—in tribute, parody, and affectionately snarky celebration of the interrogatory rhetoric of the theological-indoctrination catechism form. She then told me, “In general, yes. But didn’t need it blown up to Death-Star size and over infused with ironic portentousness. You are an overwrought, over-spoken man of gratingly obvious, self-congratulatory, show-off erudition that, with your overstuffed symbolism and leaden attempts at humor, must be bearable only by terminal graduate students who demand you validate the time they’ve wasted.” Obviously it was deliberately mean-spirited, but on the whole, I am due for more than a little irreverence. My ego, however, could not take such a beating, and I fled the table, not to return. My friends still speak of it in hushed tones, perhaps hoping I will not ask them of words spoken after my departure. As time passes, however, I find myself longing for a second chance. I think only a modernist lady with such a devilishly silver tongue could condense one man’s day into an experimental epic that takes years to promulgate through one’s day-to-day ruminations. I wish to know if I have lost all hope of taming this beguiling feminine force. Or if with the gift of some secrets of a women’s inner workings, we could reach that beautiful, tender, and meditative understanding that so eludes me? [adapted from pectator/2011/04/is_ulysses_overrated.html]

Hello questioner, I have three words to tell you: Dude. Shut. Up.

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